What I learned in 2025.

THANK GOD THIS YEAR IS OVER. I truly did not think I was going to survive this year… and I am so serious. This year was by far the most turbulent, exhausting, and yet somehow most beautiful year of my entire life.

Back in January, I started the year at one of my lowest points. My dog passed 4 days into the year AND after considering it for a few months, I decided to (permanently) take a break from dancing full time. This decision carried so much weight and I knew that choosing this would change my life. But I needed to do it.

In February, I had already began grieving what I was going to be leaving. I still showed up every day to the studio, even when I was beyond burnt out and just going through the motions. I had never felt that way dancing before in my life. All I knew was that I had to make it to May. And I could do that.

By the time it was March, I started to approach each day with a new freedom; knowing that I would be home soon, under no pressure, and I could finally recover. I spent so much time with my friends in Texas, all while still facing so many disappointments in my dancing life. I was trying to let go of all of it because it didn’t matter to me anymore, but that was so hard for me to allow myself to not take it so seriously. I started to feel the darkness of past dancing experiences haunt me everyday. Every second. It was unbearable.

April brought some light. I started spending so much time outside, allowing myself to feel the sun on my face whenever I needed it. I put myself first. I knew this season would be ending soon and I was starting to accept that. I knew it would be so hard to leave. I explored the city I lived in by myself almost everyday and prioritized rest. If I didn’t have the mental energy to wake up and stand in the back of the studio all day, asking myself why I didn’t get to dance, I wouldn’t go. It wasn’t worth it. And that gave me so much power.

May finally arrived, and I could finally see past the darkness that was trying so hard to bury me alive. When the month was over, I would be moving back home and was going to be done dancing. That was starting to scare me. And yet I never second guessed my decision. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one leaving this city, as almost all of my friends were splitting up and moving to dance with different ballet companies across the country. We were all starting over. I wasn’t alone. I had the best birthday ever and spent it with my friends in Texas, and I was given the chance to dance a piece I had been understudying all year in my very last performance. It helped me close that chapter with so much peace.

JUNE ! I MADE IT. I ACTUALLY MADE IT. After u-hauling back to Florida with my parents… I felt… numb. Like… so numb. But… I found a way around dealing with that for the time being, because I ended up spending half the month in Maryland with one of my best friends Charlotte! Hooray! Guess what I did for two weeks straight while I was there? I danced! Charlotte put on an AMAZING summer show with original choreography that I, surprisingly enough, willingly danced in. It was liberating getting to dance for myself, and helped ease me into recovery and my well deserved break…

July and August were rough. I actually don’t remember much of it. All I know is I chopped all of my hair off. I got back home for basically the first time since May and finally stood still. And I was fine with that. For the first time in my entire life I was not dancing. At all. I didn’t take a single ballet class for almost a whole month. That was a record for me. In all my free time, I couldn’t help but start to unpack and deconstruct my perception of ballet and where I belonged in it. Maybe I didn’t at all? But that didn’t sound right. I think that was something I had been subliminally led to believe… I would have never chosen that myself. Interesting. In August, I visited one of my best friends Ana in Miami for a weekend and had fun for the first time in a while. I also got to go to Pittsburgh for the second time with my best friend Sophia which made me feel so whole.

September came and went. I went to New York and saw the Mac Demarco perform. It actually changed my life. Oh, did I mention I actually, really only gave myself until about mid August to reset and recover before I took on my first professional dancing AND acting gig?! I spent allllll of September rehearsing to perform for the entire month of October in a victorian horror theater troupe. Yes, I was actually going to be SPEAKING and ACTING on a stage. In addition to dancing, of course. This was a big deal for me, I had actually found enough energy and belief in myself to throw myself into something entirely new. As a ballet dancer, I had never spoken on a stage before, let alone memorize a 60 page script for live theater. All I will say is that I did it, and I did it well. I am so proud of myself. This was a pinnacle moment that pushed me to keep believing in myself, that maybe I COULD keep performing, just not in the same way I always thought I would. So yeah, that was my October. And beginning of November.

November gave me so much time with family and I got much closer with my niece. During this month I really felt confirmed that my decision to move home was the right one, because earlier in the year I had missed too much time with family since I was dancing. And I can confidently tell you it was NOT worth it. I visited Texas for the first time since moving, and saw all of my old places. The places I would go after the longest, hardest day, feeling so insignificant and invisible. The places I witnessed overwhelming beauty in nature. I came back home and started to consider the possibility of dancing again…

December has been great. I launched this website, have created so much art, and have caught up with old friends for the first time in years. Inevitably, a lot of past hurt has been brought up recently, but that is bound to happen with being in such close proximity to a place that ALMOST broke me. Almost! It didn’t, though! But it almost did. Every day is hard, but (almost) everyday I go to sleep feeling so proud of how far I have come. The fact that I am here is a gift.

To summarize, in 2025 I learned :

how to take a break

that i refuse to sacrifice my sanity for anything

what a blessing time with family is

that i crave community even more than i thought i did

navigating adult friendships is HARD

to accept temporary seasons of life (still working on that)

how to put myself out there

that i can never fail by trying something new

that i am not wounded

that i am not a robot or a machine, even if i was trained to be

to seek out beauty even when it feels hopeless

how to be proud of myself

Thank you so much for reading! I’ll see you next time <3