All things new and old, at the same time.

I AM STILL THE SAME EXACT GIRL I WAS IN EIGHTH GRADE - LET ME EXPLAIN.

First, I want to begin this journal entry by emphasizing that I strongly believe that it is NOT healthy for anyone to experience living back in their hometown after living on their own for two years. This GOTTA be detrimental to my well being. Except, maybe it’s not the WORST thing. Maybe this is a new chance. Maybe.

I felt burnout and defeat like never before, for all of last year. Literally, the entire year. Then, when it felt like it would truly never happen, the new year came and with it, an opportunity to discard those heavy and dark and scary shadows. I can now finally see the bright season ahead of me, but then I remember where I am, and who ISN’T here with me.

NOSTALGIA PLAGUES AND PARALYZES ME.

I shudder when I realize I’m back in Casselberry, doing the same things, knowing nothing is different. I had all the momentum in the world going for me, all to just end up back home. How did I end up here? Sometimes I’ll even start thinking that maybe I should just give up again . . . whats another gap year in the grand scheme of things?

I find relief when my mature adult brain takes over and gets me back on track. I am trying my very best to make this worth it. I have been on an EXTREME grind making things and pushing myself artistically. That has been helping. So at least thats one good thing.

On top of that, I recently reconnected with my old friends from middle school this week. Our friendship took an extended break through highschool when I started dancing full time, and then I moved away. I had always wondered what I missed. Revisiting old memories and realizing I wasn’t as far from them as I thought I had been for all of those years, definitely healed something in me. Maybe our friendship was meant to be paused for a season. Now we can continue it as adults and realize that not much has changed at all. I feel welcome and seen and loved and excited! All I can say is I LOVE being a girl! I already knew that, though.

The fact that I even have the energy to pour into several new (not new) friendships is amazing to me. Its taken a lot to get here. So I basically just wanted a reason to write a journal entry about it :D

I’m still tired most days. And am still mourning and grieving my old life. But maybe there is beauty here in my new (even older) life. A chance to rediscover and reclaim the places I grew up in. Give them new life. Give me new life with it. Or not - who’s to say. There is a reason I ended up here. Maybe it was to realize just how little I have strayed from my true self. All this transformation, pain, and healing has helped me feel more myself than ever. I’m still the same girl I was in eighth grade.

Oh! I am also VERY patiently waiting to meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with currently. So that has been fun! . . . Wish me luck! And good luck to you all as well! May you all find love and joy and beauty and satisfaction in the deepest, most untouched parts of your souls. That’s what living is for.

Thanks for listening to me talk to myself again.

If you read this whole thing, I appreciate you!