Thoughts I had in June.
i put my notes app through hell last month. it’s almost like every hour i was being completely flooded with the absolutely urgent need in that exact moment to write down whatever thought had just popped into my brain. i had been on complete autopilot for the past few months, and june woke me up a bit. not in a kind or gentle way, either. but it tends to do that. my birthday is in may, and even while i am celebrating, i always feel this inevitable doom chasing me down: june.
june typically marks the beginning of a new season, summer, golden evenings, spending hours outside being absolutely devoured by mosquitos, and relishing a weightless month of pleasant mental vacancy. june has never really felt that way to me. instead, it serves as a breeding ground in which i dream of the lives i would live if i were in a different place + a different person.
how june feels:
the version of myself i would be in ten years if i marry an artist and we run away into the forest together. the version of myself i would be in several months if i move out with only the money in my bank account just to say i did it. the version of myself i would be if i had gone to art school. the version of myself i would be if i were to somehow marry rich so i can continue making art and never have to actually work a day in my life. (it isn’t worth it and this cannot happen) the version of myself i would be if i had never stopped dancing. the version of myself i would be if i let myself actually keep chasing the dream that was ripped away from me.
june is the month where it all comes to a screeching halt and i have no other choice but to walk through the countless vignettes that have inhabited my brain for the last six months.
i will now share basically every entry i made in my notes app through the month of june.
June 3, 2026. 6:04 pm.
derp with benefits
june 14, 2026. 8:04 pm.
avocados, salami, cucumber, tzatziki, 2 smoothies, yogurt, peaches, dried mango, granola bars, curl cream, probiotics
june 17, 2026. 11:56 am.
june 24 3pm
june 18, 2026. 9:26 am.
i saw you again, underneath the stars
were you thinking the same thing?
are we entirely different people?
have you ever met this version of me?
have i ever met you?
(new paragraph)
june washes over me with the promises of things i said i would do and never did
every kind thing i do for myself is done only with the intention, “i need this”
june 18, 2026. 11:08 am.
orchids and tulips
june 26, 2026. 11:52 pm.
scream out to the world
i know i am someone
no one can hurt me now because i know what’s true
i believe in me
it will not be easy
but it will happen
i am never alone
just imagine how good it will feel when i finally make it
i can never work against myself
i deserve everything i dream of
no one can break me
no one can take my future from me
no one can take my dreams from me
he does not get to have that
getting a normal job does not mean i am giving up on my dreams
everything i do from this point on is an investment for my future and for the rest of my life
i deserve freedom and i deserve to dream
i am safe to explore my imagination and my dreams
i deserve to be happy and have success
i will be in new york city next summer at the martha graham summmer intensive, and i will audition for graham 2 one way or another.
hopefully you enjoyed a glimpse into about a month’s worth of thoughts and fragments of thoughts i had. clearly i experienced a bit of a breakthrough by the end of the month. i can confidently say now that a contributing factor in my semi-permanent pessimism has been the fact that i am terrified of creating goals for myself again. i am terrified of dreaming about something and then it not happening... again. i don’t think i could survive such intense disappointment again. that’s all i’ve felt for the last year, so why do that to myself?
well, i am no longer taking no for an answer and i will be doing everything i can possibly do to achieve certain goals now. i finally feel that i am in a place where i have enough emotional and mental capacity to do something about my life and do it scared. maybe i’m returning to my capable self. or maybe i am an entirely different person with all new capabilities and aspirations and inspirations and motivations and purpose for living. probably that option. or a secret third thing. idk
all i can say is therapy is working! i also got to dance again and very much surprised myself… i never lost the fire inside of me. i needed a reminder of that. more to come on that soon.
here are some thoughts i had all on the first day of July.
july 1, 2026. 7:42 pm.
i need to start talking to myself the way i talk to people i love
protect your heart
keep it open
keep it soft
never lock it up
i want to know someone again
it’s been too long
when will someone let me know their entire being + when will i let someone see through my stained glass soul?
so that’s it. this isn’t a cry… but i would really like to meet the person i’m supposed to be with forever soooooooooon… hahahaha hahah ha
who tryna be my royal patron? (i’ll be the court jester)
xx,
the girl with the unibrow
