I turned 21 on Sunday.
I chose complete autonomy a year ago, and have felt frozen since. This will be the line I open with to my therapist that I’m seeing for the first time next Tuesday.
Isn’t that bizarre, though? I made the bold, difficult, and scary decision to leave my dancing career last May in the hopes of pursuing something more fulfilling for my soul. I did the scary thing. And as soon as I got home, I attempted the things that everyone expected me to do, hoping I would be able to cling onto any form of routine. I enrolled in community college, dropped out before I even started, and then froze. That was in August… now it’s May. I don’t really know what I did in the months in between, I would guess that over 90% of it was spent wishing I was feeling more alive. In many ways, I felt more alive last year when I was actively fighting just to get out of bed and walk into the studio. I had something I was fighting for. Now I feel like I have just given up. Honestly, I haven’t given up yet. And I’m proud of myself for not shutting down entirely… even if I’m becoming increasingly close to that threshold by the hour.
I realize that this introduction has been extremely dark, and I really don’t want to begin a new year of my life that way. So I’ll do everything I can to rebuild my optimism from this point on. I’m beginning the 21st year of my life at an incredibly low point, so things must only get better. (I said the same thing last year.)
This year needs to feel entirely different. I need to actually take steps towards living. I made this huge declaration last year that I would be living on my own terms, and I have failed in every way. If you asked me right now what I want to be doing this exact second and what I think would pull me out of this hell I have been enduring, I would say that I want to be blindfolded and dropped off in a foreign country and have thrown my phone away. I want to meet people, I want to see parts of the Earth I’ve never seen before, I want to be uncomfortable again, I want to be surrounded by love and community and creation and beauty. I would like to be anywhere but Orlando.
Maybe my issue is that I don’t set myself up with the most realistic goals. So here is a list of things I really hope I can actually accomplish while being 21.
Make one new friend
leave the state
perform again
go on a trip by myself
stop feeling sorry for myself
Big on number 5. I was the weakest version of myself at 20. Which is completely ok, I know. But I was surprised at how unfamiliar I felt in myself… 21 will be different. I’m not sure in what way(s), but it will definitely be different. I’m scared! But I don’t actually think it could be worse!
Thanks for listening, this isn’t my best work but I needed to get it out.
you’re never alone!
love,
the girl with the unibrow
