I fly to Japan in 9 days. 8, really.
LIFE, DEATH, GRIEF, CELEBRATION, PRAISE, KINDNESS, GRATITUDE. ← my summer
i am about to wake up!!!! for real!!!!! i am ready to feel alive!!!!!! i have been for some time now!
when i started going to therapy in may, it was to mainly tackle trauma from past experiences… i was in a place where i literally could not even picture the next month in front of me. i had no goals, no accessible ways to move forward with life (or so i thought). i have made so much progress since then. i feel lighter than i have in a couple of years. that’s not saying i don’t still have hard days… because i do.
I will go wherever the wind takes me.
if you had asked me at the beginning of summer where i thought i’d be at the end of it, i wouldn’t have been able to even form a sentence. i had no opinions or feelings or urgency or sense of direction for myself. then in june, i danced again. i learned and performed 30 minutes of choreography in under 2 weeks, alongside people who are still dancing full time. professional ballet dancers. and i didn’t embarrass myself! this was the catalyst. i finally felt awake, but after being asleep for over a year it was a shock to the system! i felt hungry for even more.
in july, i participated in a contemporary choreographic workshop and was pushed even more. and survived! it was such a restorative experience, because i challenged myself to go back to the building that holds a lot of triggering memories for me. i danced in the same rooms that i did at 17 years old, clinging to my sanity and health. i came back as a 21 year old woman and did not even entertain the temptation to revisit the past. it is just a building.
then one day in july, something good came out of me scrolling on instagram. i saw a post for an audition for performers to join an outreach tour in japan this fall. i auditioned, thinking i wouldn’t get it. but i knew i must, because i was in a place where i needed to start creating my path for my future as an artist.
i honestly hadn’t even comprehended what i was getting myself into while waiting to hear back. in january, i made a 2026 bingo board of things i wanted to accomplish this year. and every night before i fell asleep, i would stare at the goal that at this point, in july, had started to mock me.
GO TO TOKYO
on august 1st, i was cast.
basically, i urge anyone who is reading this to Never count yourself out of anything. ever. if you want something, and are willing to work for it, then you deserve it. you can do anything. it is never too late.
i do, however, understand how hard it can be to feel driven or motivated towards anything in this destructive world. it is Hard. but i think the more honest we are with ourselves about things we want, our dreams, our fears, our pain, our admiration for things and others, the more capable we are to embolden and reassure ourselves + others in taking what we deserve.
i’ve been seeing people share how they’ve been transformed by kindness that they’ve experienced recently, and i want to contribute to it. i want to be in community with others and i want to share my story. i’m ready to be back in japan, and i know i shouldn’t place this expectation on it, but i hope it changes my life. and i pray that i can be a source of love and kindness for anyone i meet while i’m there.
i can only thank God.
Media i consumed in august:
sunrise on the reaping by suzanne collins. i am a huge hunger games fan. they are some of the only books i have ever read. did it take me over a year to finish it? yes. did i take a 9 month long break in the middle of reading it? yes. did i have to completely restart it the second time? yes. was i extremely burnt out and preparing to stop dancing full time when i started it the first time? also yes. have a little grace! this one really did it for me. the focus on surveillance in panem was just so familiar. wow! scary.
fiddler on the roof. watched this with my best friend because it’s one of her favorite movies. i enjoyed it! it was funnier than i expected it to be + it reminded me of the princess bride? i was waiting for the fiddler on the roof to talk the whole time.
mac demarco cd albums. whenever mac releases, it satisfies the 15 year old version of myself and feels like a gift from an old friend. no other sound makes me feel as comfortable as his.
fishes episode of the bear. genuinely have yet to form the words i have to say about this episode. this is an actual masterpiece and yes i know i’m watching it years late. i hope you’re sensing a pattern. phenomenal writing, phenomenal performances, this is one of my favorite episodes of television of all time.
michael episode of glee. genuinely have yet to form the words i have to say about this episode. this is an actual masterpiece and yes i know i’m watching it years late. i hope you’re sensing a pattern. phenomenal writing, phenomenal performances, this is one of my favorite episodes of television of all time.
please note: i watched this on mj’s birthday last week without realizing it… and i think he was trying to send me a message because i did not plan this.
give me love (george harrison) music video. hands down my favorite beatle. also watching this music video months late. this video combined so many of my favorite things: one of my favorite songs of his, stop-motion animation, + was directed by finn wolfhard. i just felt so happy to watch it.
if you made it to the end of this one, thanks! i don’t know if i will write in real time once i’m in japan, or if i will share a fully documented and annotated photo book with entries after the fact.
still thinking about it :)
don’t forget to Take care of yourself and others,
the girl with the unibrow
